The Win-Win Solution: Preserving Relationships Through Cooperation
When it comes to co-mingling the lives of two people, there are bound to be conflicts. Each person comes to the relationship with their own childhood imprint---the values they embody and the relationships they saw modeled during their most impressionable years. When two people from different backgrounds come together, it can be a beautiful thing. It can also lead to conflict as they try to adjust to each other.
When conflict arises, some people attempt to exert their power over others instead of working cooperatively. It usually doesn't work. More often than not, trying to force someone to bend to your will leads them to resist, rebel, or develop harmful coping mechanisms.
When you take the stance that you "know better" and the other person should blindly follow your lead, you're essentially telling your partner that they don't have a brain and can't think for themselves. This usually backfires, as the "wounded" partner will have little incentive to carry out your wishes and go along with your plan. They're not invested in the outcome of the conflict because they have no voice in the matter.
One of the significant hurdles to conflict resolution is the notion of "cancel culture" that is so popular among specific population segments. When a loved one, friend, or acquaintance wrongs you, the answer is to "cancel" them altogether as though they are disposable. The entire premise of this culture is punishment instead of a genuine desire to fix a problem. In a healthy relationship, however, problem-solving is based on equality and results in a situation in which everyone's needs are met, and both parties are respected and heard. The conflicts are resolved through cooperation, not a cancellation.
The overall theme in high-conflict situations is an unwavering need to win and make the other person lose. Authoritarian people don't see conflict as an arena in which everyone can walk away satisfied. They see it as a battleground in which there will be a clear winner and a clear loser. Moreover, authoritarian people want to ensure they are always on the winning side.
One of the primary behaviors that stunts the conflict resolution process and one of my personal pet peeves is the "sending solution." This occurs when one person decides to independently create the solution and expect the other person to follow it blindly. This typically happens when one person has a superiority complex, and they believe that the other person simply needs fixing. They place themselves as the moral superior, using manipulation, threats, and fear to get their way. This nefarious way of thinking does nothing but point fingers and allows the person to think that everyone is flawed except them.
Another diabolic tactic in high-conflict relationships is "diagnosing." This form of emotional abuse leaves the victim second-guessing themselves as the perpetrator tells them they're crazy. The victim finds themselves apologizing for sins they haven't committed and questioning their own sanity. This is done intentionally to weaken a person's resolve and break them down. It's also called gaslighting and is a common tactic of emotional abusers.
People can damage a relationship beyond repair through the blatant disrespect that comes with verbal abuse. They always criticize, belittle, and reprimand. They treat the other person as though they are not worthy of respect. I personally have no tolerance for this behavior.
When all else fails, the perpetrator resorts to name-calling. While it feels useful to them at the moment, it often doesn't give them the long-term satisfaction they crave. Name-calling chips away at the victim's self-esteem and is a desperate attempt to define a person's behavior. It does not accomplish anything.
False flattery or "smoke up the arse" is an often-used manipulation tactic to change a person's behavior. These fake compliments are not thrown to improve the relationship genuinely. Instead, they're a tool to give the perpetrator what they want. It's entirely insincere and, in most cases, completely transparent.
Being judgmental is another way that people chip away at relationships and make resolving conflict nearly impossible. Critical people are often horribly insecure, and their constant critique of others is usually simply a reflection of how they see themselves. They don't feel good about themselves, so they try to make others feel bad as well. They often judge people for something they find deficient in themselves or aspects of themselves that they have fought to change. People who feel good about themselves have no interest in judging others.
Words have power. People learn destructive communication patterns in childhood as a way to deal with power struggles. The great news is that just as you have discovered these toxic patterns, you can un-learn them. People typically don't change unless the desire to change is greater than the desire to remain the same. The process of change requires full responsibility and requires making better choices every day with decisiveness, consistency, maturity, and strength.
Tips for Healthy Conflict Resolution
SET BOUNDARIES Treat your partner with respect, even in a high-conflict situation or during an argument. Name-calling, ridiculing and belittling will only make the situation worse. Tell your partner that if he cannot treat you with respect, there will no longer be communication. Walk away if you need to and allow your partner to restart the discussion when he has had a chance to cool off.
FIND THE REAL ISSUE Arguments can occur when one person feels that they are not being heard or their needs are not being met. It pays to figure out what the root of the problem is. The argument may be about the trash not being taken out, but the heart of the issue may be a partner who feels overwhelmed with the amount of housework they are responsible for. Learn to solve the underlying problems to avoid constant arguing over the same issues.
AGREE TO DISAGREE some issues will never be resolved because they are simply matters of differing values. You won't agree on everything, so sometimes it's best to drop a subject. Pick and choose your battles and walk away from arguments that won't get you anywhere.
COMPROMISE WHEN POSSIBLE Compromise can be hard to do, but it can allow everyone to walk away satisfied when done right. Find common points that you both agree upon and start from there. You would be surprised how easy it is to budge on some other issues when you agree on most things on the table. While some things are etched in stone and not open to compromise, try your best to resolve the ones that you can both agree upon. It's not always easy, but strive to find a middle ground that can allow both of you to feel satisfied with the outcome.
CONSIDER EVERYTHING Is this issue important enough to get into an argument over? Will "winning" this argument ultimately damage your relationship with the other person? Will they be able to remain in the relationship if you win? This is where empathy comes in. Think of this issue from the other person's perspective and ask yourself if you consider their feelings. It may not be worth arguing over if it ultimately means the end of your relationship.
" A conflict is the moment of truth in a relationship--- a test of its health, a crisis that can weaken or strengthen it, a critical event that may bring lasting resentment, smoldering hostility, psychological scars. Conflicts can push people away from each other or pull them into a closer and more intimate union; they contain seeds of destruction or seeds of unity; they may bring about armed warfare or deeper mutual understanding." - Dr. Thomas Gordon.
Conflict resolution is critical in a relationship and will determine the overall temperature of the interaction between two people. The way conflict is resolved whether the relationship will be toxic or healthy, deep or shallow, intimate or cold. Conflict doesn't have to be hostile, aggressive, or adversarial. When handled correctly, it can be a change to fix problems in a relationship and develop a stronger bond. It doesn't matter how many battles occur; healthy communication can lead to beneficial conflict resolution.
If you don't quite get it right the first time, don't give up. Like anything in life, healthy conflict resolution takes practice. Sometimes you need to practice it repeatedly to successfully navigate the world of agreeing to disagree. The key is to retain the relationship and enjoy harmony, not necessarily to win at all costs. This is important to keep in mind when trying to work things out with your partner.
Cooperation during the problem-solving process is a "no-lose" method to fostering longevity in relationships. This is where harmony, unity, and magic happen.
